Tag: behavior

The idea of a heavenly home

The idea of a heavenly home

The title of this blog is A Heavenly Home, and I chose this name because of the hope and inspiration that it gives. If we are all honest with ourselves, I am certain that each one of us desires to have a warm, loving home that resembles a small piece of heaven on earth.

In our hectic, busy modern world, such an ideal home environment can seem hard — maybe even impossible — to achieve. Sometimes our best laid plans go awry or life circumstances force us to be flexible in ways we had not intended.

Our home is no different.

Is our house always tidy? No.

Do we have more clutter than we should? Yes.

Do we always put away our clean laundry? No.

Do dishes sometimes pile up in the sink? Yes.

Does our home look like a glossy magazine spread or a bright photo op on a fancy home blog? Absolutely not.

At the moment, I work full time outside the home with some freelancing on the side while my husband stays home with our one-year-old son. This was not our original plan, but it is where we find ourselves at this time. My amazing husband keeps our household running by not only caring for our son but also taking on a large share of domestic duties, including but not limited to laundry, vacuuming, tidying, yard work, taking care of the aging dog, etc. I appreciate everything he does so I try to pitch in and ease his burdens when I can.

We had a fairly good system working for us before we discovered I was pregnant with Baby #2 back in May and the first trimester all-day-every-day sickness struck. Around the same time, our little Peanut began to teethe… badly. Everything quickly dissolved into barely manageable chaos. For a little while there, it was a struggle. Then we realized that stage of our life was merely temporary, and it was ok to let the less important things slide for awhile.

Do not misunderstand. I do believe having a clean and tidy home tends to make the home more inviting and is more nurturing for those who live there.

However, the physical house is only part of what makes a home feel like a little bit of heaven on earth. To create a home that is a welcomed retreat from the cares of the outside world, warm and inviting, you need more than simply clean rooms.

A heavenly home is built on love, courtesy towards those who live with you, quality time spent together, and laughter.

My natural tendency at times would be to stare at the three days’ worth of dirty dishes piled up in the sink and feel like a failure for being too exhausted (and sick!) to do them. There were times I had to remind myself: “At this moment, cuddling with my little son who is crying for “Mama” because a new tooth is working its painful way through his gum is far more important than some dirty dishes.”

When times became challenging, we chose to focus on what is most important. For our little family it was spending time together as a couple, spending time with our son, and doing what was best for our health. For me that also meant extra sleep!

Since then, things have begun to even out again. (Praise the Lord!) I am no longer feeling sick, and my energy has returned to normal. We are now in a place where we have a handle on the weekly housekeeping duties again and can also re-start some of the projects we had to put on hold for those couple of months, such as what I like to call “the big purge”. (More on this later.)

A clean house is important for physical health and a tidy house is good for mental health, but never forget that what truly transforms a house into a home is the people who live there and the atmosphere you cultivate.

“By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches.” Proverbs 2:3-4, ESV

Our home and family is built on the love of Christ. If we keep Christ as our focus and His love in our hearts, everything else falls into its proper place. Our home becomes a warm, inviting, nurturing place full of the most important riches: love, selfless service, and grace. We know what is most important and are able to be flexible when circumstances change.

Over the next few weeks, I hope to explore a little bit more into the idea of a heavenly home and share some of our plans for improvement. What does your home look like? What does a heavenly home mean to you? In what areas do you need improvement?

Our children are watching: a response to hate

Our children are watching: a response to hate

Personal note from Jacquelyn: I have written and re-written this post a dozen times over the last few days. It is time to share it. I know this post is imperfect and, in spite of my humble efforts, cannot hope to grasp the entirety of the situation. Many books can and have been written on this topic! However, this is the coherent part of what has been weighing on my heart and mind over the last few days. (I have been a bit sleep deprived due to a teething baby.) My only hope is that it provides comfort and encouragement to those who need it and prick the hearts of others to take time to seriously re-evaluate their opinions and beliefs.

A response to hate

The violent and tragic acts of hate groups in recent days have deeply sadden me. It has taken me time to be able to put my thoughts into words. First, let me start by saying that my heart goes out to the family and friends of Heather Heyer, who was murdered by a man filled with hate and evil, and all of those who were injured in the same attack. Heather gave her life standing up for what she believed in: that all people are equal and should be treated with respect. I also pray for the family and friends of Lieutenant H. Jay Cullen and Trooper-Pilot Berke M. M. Bates of the Virginia State Police killed in a helicopter crash while responding to the situation. They gave their lives while serving and protecting their community, fulfilling their duty and serving with honor.

Let me be very clear: anyone who embraces ideology steeped in hatred, intolerance, and violence is NOT patriotic. White supremacists, KKK, Neo-Nazis… these people are pathetic COWARDS, filled with hate and fear — fear that they displace on others. Their contemptible words and vile actions reveal to the world that they have embraced evil.

We need to stand firm against hatred, fear, and intolerance. We need to stand for justice, equality, and freedom. However, remember that the world, the country, and our children are watching. We need to resist the temptation to return hatred for hatred, violence for violence, fear for fear. If we behave as they do and commit our own acts of violence against them, we become no better than the very groups we condemn.

We need to rise above knee-jerk, anger-filled reactions. The emotional response of anger itself is not necessarily wrong, but anger needs to be controlled or it will control us. We need to take the high road. Hard though it will be, we need to show compassion for hatred, peace instead of violence, love and unity in response to fear and division. Let us put aside arrogance and superiority, and start to esteem others as equals. Let us win with our words and actions, through our voices and our votes. Let how we respond lift up those who are downtrodden, encourage the discouraged, seek true justice, and show mercy towards the poor and vulnerable.

Our children are watching.

You CANNOT be a Christian (a proclaimed follower of Christ Jesus) and harbor hatred for others, especially whole groups of people based on arbitrary or imagined differences (skin color, ethnicity, religion, etc.). Let me repeat myself: you cannot be a Christian and a racist.

The Bible is very clear: “Beloved, let us love one another, for love is of God; and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God. He who does not love does not know God, for God is love.” (1 John 4:7-8, NKJV)

Christ Jesus Himself said: “‘You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your strength, and with all your mind,’ and ‘your neighbor as yourself.’” (Luke 10:27, NKJV)

And He also admonished His followers: “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’ But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven…” (Matthew 5:43-45, NKJV)

Our children are watching.

The Declaration of Independence, though written by flawed men, states a truth that is vital to be reminded of, especial at times like these: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.”

And I would like to add that among these unalienable Rights endowed by the Creator is the right of ALL people, especially those who have historically been marginalized and greatly mistreated, to respect and being treated as a valued human being. Native American, African-American, Hispanic-American, Asian-American, Arab-American, certain minorities among European-American have all experienced turmoil in our country’s history (including recently), though some groups (such as the Native Americans and African-Americans) have born more atrocities, persecution, degradation, and disenfranchisement than others. Sadly, to this day many communities still struggle with the aftermath of bias government policies and social prejudices.

We need to admit that our country is not perfect and has made many mistakes… Some downright and absolutely horrible, such as the removal of native people from their lands, the enslavement of Africans, the internment of American citizens of Japanese heritage, and more. We need to stand firm on the side of Truth and Justice for ALL and move forward together to fix what is broken in our country.

Hatred and violence is learned. So is peace and compassion. Let me repeat: We need to resist the temptation to return hatred for hatred, violence for violence, fear for fear. How about we try leaving the world — or even just our small piece of it — a better place?

Our children are watching. What are our words and actions teaching them?

Our children are watching. What are our responses and reactions to times of great upheaval saying about our hearts and our characters?

Our children are watching. What legacy are we leaving for them?

Our children are watching.

What Your Body Language Says About You

What Your Body Language Says About You

In the previous Manners: A Lost Art article, we touched on The Basics of Good Manners. Today we are going to briefly discuss the nuances of body language. Yes, you read correctly: body language. Some may be surprised how important body language is to good manners.

Before we begin, it is important to mention that different cultures have different ideas and concepts surrounding appropriate body language. I will be approaching the subject from a North American, particularly an American, point-of-view. If you are residing outside of the United States, I highly recommend that you learn what body language is deemed appropriate for the culture that you are living in.

Eye Contact

In North American culture, eye contact is a significant aspect of body language and what a person does with his or her eyes can tell a lot about his or her attitude and mindset. Unless the situation is confrontational, steady eye contact is a sign of respect, attention, interest, and self-confidence. It is acceptable for adults and children of both sexes to make eye contact with other people.

Business woman speaking with two people.
Image: photostock / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

To show respect and interest during an introduction, conversation, lecture, or professional meeting, you should keep your eyes on the speaker for the majority of the time he or she is speaking. If you are having a one-on-one conversation, it is recommended to look at the person speaking for 5 or so seconds at a time. It is not necessary to make direct eye contact—which many people are uncomfortable with and, depending on the situation, is a common flirting method—focus instead on the triangle made by the nose and mouth.

Do not confuse steady eye contact with staring, glaring, or ogling. A rule of thumb to ensure you are making the right type of eye contact is to mimic the facial expressions of the speaker, such as showing concern, smiling, etc., and nod or shift your head from time to time. Feel free to blink and even look away momentarily, such as when taking notes during a lecture. Blinking too fast, however, is often taken as nervousness or discomfort.

We should be aware of the message that our eyes send to those around us. Eyes can show interest or disinterest, respect or disrespect, happiness or anger, enjoyment or irritation. When I was growing up in the late ’80s and early ’90s, it became very popular among the kids and teenagers to roll their eyes whenever they were irritated or not interested in what the other person (usually a parent, teacher, or authority figure) was saying. This type of gesture is rude and should be avoided. In the United States, avoiding eye contact is often interpreted as timidness, weakness, or disrespect.

When traveling outside of North America, be sure to investigate the meaning of eye contact in whatever culture(s) you will be visiting. In some places, such as Europe, eye contact may imply romantic interest and making eye contact with the wrong person might land you into an uncomfortable situation. In many Asian cultures, avoiding eye contact with a superior or the opposite sex is considered a sign of respect; therefore, making eye contact with a superior or someone of the opposite sex is disrespectful, rude, or arrogant.

Posture

You may be thinking: “What does posture have to do with manners?” Very simple: good posture not only is important to your physical wellbeing but will also improve your self-confidence, which in turn effects how you interact with others and how others perceive you.

When standing, remember to keep your back straight, shoulders back, and stomach in. (For those unsure how to keep your “stomach in”, keep your abdominal muscles tightened. Be careful, though, you do not want have to have your muscles so tight that you cannot move naturally or breathe.) If you are not used to this proper posture, it may feel uncomfortable or unnatural at first. However, as you continually remind yourself to stand up straight, shoulders pulled back, and stomach tight, you will find it will become natural and you will feel better physically and emotionally.

When sitting, do not slouch your shoulders or slump over but keep your torso straight. Ladies, though we are often taught it is lady-like to cross our legs, always be mindful of your attire. If you are wearing pants, then you may cross the legs at the knees. This is also appropriate for men, though the majority of men these days choose to rest an ankle on their opposite knee instead. Ladies, if you are wearing a skirt or dress, keep your legs and knees together so you do not inadvertently flash those around you; if keeping your legs together is uncomfortable, you may opt for crossing your feet at the ankles and tucking your feet a little under the chair or to one side.

Posture goes even farther than simply proper standing or sitting positions. Posture is a non-verbal indicator of your current attitude. When you are interested, you may lean forward towards the speaker. If you are uncomfortable, you may lean backwards away from whatever or whomever is causing the discomfort and cross your arms. Keeping hands in pockets often comes across as a casual, comfortable behavior but could also be misinterpreted by others as a sign of timidness or discomfort. Depending upon the situation, you may decide to having only one hand in your pocket and use the other hand to do simple gestures while you speak.

Arms can be awkward. If you are not prone to gesturing, you may wonder what you should do with your arms and hands, especially in one-on-one conversations. Letting both of your arms hang at your sides may or may not be comfortable for some people so you could try tucking one arm loosely behind your back (your wrist would lay right either in the small of your back or over your bottom). There are many more options for when you are seated. Practice various arm and hand positions and determine which is the most comfortable for you while still presenting a professional image.

Keeping Still

One aspect of good manners is the ability to keep still, which basically means not fidgeting. This includes bouncing a foot or rocking while seated; playing with hair, chair, or other object; continually touching one’s face or itchy/scratching; blowing bubbles with your gum or chewing very loudly; biting or picking at fingernails; etc. These types of fidgeting imply restlessness, nervousness, discomfort, or indifference and should be avoided in public and/or formal settings.

I should mention an exception to this guideline: sometimes fidgeting is an unconscious symptom of a larger condition. I had an acquaintance that was in a terrible car accident, it was truly a miracle she even survived, but her right arm would occasionally spasm. She had no control of it, and while some might find it distracting, it is good manners to overlook instances where such a thing is uncontrollable. However, if you are perfectly capable of keeping still and fidget simply out of habit, you should be aware that such behavior is often interpreted by those around you as rude and the result of poor self-discipline and low self-respect.

Personal space

Two young men talking.
Image: Andy Newson / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

Perhaps one of the most important, yet often overlooked, aspect of good manners is the issue of personal space. In the United States, personal space is tremendously important and violating someone’s personal space, even accidentally, can create negative impressions towards you. Most people are comfortable with two to three feet of space between them and another person, especially someone holding a conversation with them. You may notice, when someone begins to encroach upon another’s personal space, the victim may lean backwards to create more space, cross their arms over their chest to form a visual barrier, or actually take a step backwards. When opposite genders are involved, violating personal space could be misinterpreted as unwanted sexual attention or even sexual harassment, even more so if the perpetrator touches the victim without permission.

Touching is a very delicate issue. When meeting someone for the first time, a handshake should be the only form of touching. Through multiple face-to-face meetings, an acquaintanceship is formed and you begin to discover what types of physical interaction is welcomed or not by the other individual. Some individuals open up to new people very quickly and are more lenient towards physical (non-sexual) contact such as clapping someone on the shoulder, friendly hug, etc. Other individuals are more guarded and find physical contact very personal, only to be done among very good friends and family. The only way to know what degree of contact is appropriate is to build a relationship with that person and over time, you will learn. When in doubt, keep your hands to yourself and stand at least two feet away from the other person.

On a more humorous note, keeping a distance of two to three feet allow those individuals who are prone to wild gesticulation space so not to accidentally hit those he or she is speaking to. Receiving an unintended whack to the nose by someone’s hand is not an altogether pleasant experience, even if you end up laughing about it later on.

And that, my friends, is a brief run down on body language. Again, please remember that the meanings and appropriate behaviors addressed in this article are specifically for the North American culture and applicable especially to the United States. If you are residing elsewhere, it is important to look into the appropriate behaviors and meanings of body language within your culture. If you take away nothing else from this article, ask yourself this simple question: What does my body language say about me?

The Basics of Good Manners

The Basics of Good Manners

In this first article of this series Manners: A Lost Art, we will begin building the foundation of our behavior by discussing the basics of good manners. Many of us learned these as children growing up, but sometimes we lose sight of the importance of politeness in the hectic, often rude world in which we live. Good manners may sound a bit old fashioned, but there is more to it than archaic rules governing behavior. When we display good manners, we convey respect and consideration towards those around us, which will assist in fostering positive relationships.

Use the polite phrases.

Always use the polite phrases in your daily conversations: “Please”, “Thank you”, and “You’re welcome”. These polite phrases carry far more weight than we often realize. The phrases “Excuse me” and “Pardon me” can be used in multiple situations: if you must make a necessary interruption to enter or exit a conversation, to make a request (sometimes an awkward request) of someone, to leave a table, or to apologize.

Also, remember to use polite greetings, such as “Hello”, “Good morning”, “Good Afternoon”, and “Good Evening”. Even when you are familiar with someone, using a polite greeting is more complimentary than “Hi”, “Hey”, “What’s up?”, and other common greetings. If you do not already use the polite phrases, make a conscience effort to begin including them in your conversations. After a while, you will develop a habit, and it will become natural.

Use respectful language.

Making use of respectful language implies consideration for those around you and can assist you in avoiding bad impressions. Use proper titles and manner of address, such as “Mr.”, “Mrs.”, “Ms.”, “Sir”, “Ma’am” if the addressee is someone unfamiliar with you, in a superior position than you, or older than you or use the manner of address the individual has expressed a preference for with those familiar with you. It is important to speak clearly, not mumbling nor slurring; use your best speech and pronunciation; and do not speak too loudly nor too fast. Depending upon the situation, you may want to avoid colloquial expressions—there are appropriate times and places for casual, laid-back conversation. You should use “Yes” and “No” instead of “Yeah” or “Yup” and “Nah” or “Nope”.

Respectful language also means avoiding cursing, disrespectful words and phrases with negative connotations, insulting and degrading conversation, gossip, crude jokes, and bodily functions. Also, it is disrespectful to make a habit of interrupting others, to change the subject of a conversation abruptly, or make yourself the center of conversation through boasting or bragging.

One of my pet peeves is when an individual responds with a loud, obnoxious “What?!” or “What is it?!” or “Huh?” when he or she hears his or her name called. This rude method of response was very common with children when I was growing up, and now I witness it in public venues, such as grocery stores and restaurants, and even in the workplace. More polite and respectful responses would be: “Yes?” or “Can I help you?” If you need to ask someone for clarification, you should ask: “Could you say that again, please?”, “Pardon?”, or even “I’m sorry?”

Sincerely Apologize and Graciously Accept Apologies.

Sincere apologies are also an important part of good manners, and making and accepting apologies demonstrate grace and maturity that is often lacking in today’s world with the too prominent “no fault” attitudes. Apologies, when given in earnest, can even defuse volatile situations, because many people find it difficult to remain angry with someone who has openly admitted his or her error or wrongdoing and sincerely asks for forgiveness.

While admitting our faults or mistakes may not always be easy, it is the morally right course of action. Some may believe that apologizing somehow shows weakness and frailty, but the opposite is actually true. It takes a strong, mature individual to recognize his or her mistake, to openly admit this wrong by asking for forgiveness, and then to learn from the mistake. Likewise, it takes a strong, mature individual to accept an apology from and grant forgiveness to the one who wronged you in some way.

Extending common courtesies to others.

Common courtesies go beyond the polite phrases and respectful language to include attitude and actions. Everything from holding the door for someone, man or woman, following you closely in or out of a building; holding the elevator if there is room for more passengers; opting to take the stairs, if feasible, than an elevator when there is a crowd; allowing someone with only a few items to go ahead of you at a store check-out if you have a cart-full of items; parking farther back in a parking lot to allow the closer spaces for those with a greater need for proximity to the building entrance (disabled, elderly, pregnant women, etc.); leaving a tip at a restaurant; sending Thank You Cards to express your gratitude; smiling instead of frowning even if you are having a bad day; offering your seat to a pregnant woman or elderly individual; and much more. These common courtesies tend to be “small” actions, but they can have a profound impact on someone’s day. In addition, showing courtesy to those around you can improve your own attitude, because helping others, even if it is something small, gives you a sense of satisfaction, contentment, and happiness.

At the same time, common courtesy means there are some behaviors that you avoid, such as staring (this includes ogling an attractive man or woman); loud or noticeable gum chewing and bubble-blowing; leaving a mess behind you, whether at a restaurant, office, or home (Parents, this means cleaning up your children’s messes. Pet owners, this also means cleaning up your pet’s messes when you take them for walks or out in public.); and not returning something to the way you found it. (Gentlemen, this includes not putting the toilet seat down. If it was down when you entered the bathroom, be sure to put it down before you leave.)

Depending upon the situation and the company you are with, you may also need to take into consideration those little things that others may find irritating: sniffling, cracking knuckles or popping joints, itching, obnoxious laughter, etc. If you know that a certain habit causes someone annoyance, you show that you care for and respect that person by avoiding said habit in their presence. Basically, common courtesies means intentionally creating a comfortable environment for those around you instead of thinking of yourself first.

Table manners are important.

When dining in public or invited to a meal, sometimes it seems that table manners have gone the way of the dodo and dinosaurs… extinct. Perhaps the most important thing to remember is: chew with your mouth closed. Chewing with your mouth open (partially or widely) is more than disrespectful to the other guests—it is disgusting. Also avoid smacking, slurping, burping, and other loud noises.

Other points that you should consider include using utensils properly, not like a shovel; cut your food into bit-sized pieces; do not put too much food into your mouth at one time; use your napkin; and your posture: slouching, elbows on the table, and reaching across the table should be avoided. Politely ask for items to be passed to you instead, and use “Excuse me” when leaving the table. It is also advisable to avoid blowing your nose, picking your teeth, or answering a call or text message on your cellphone at the table. If it most be done, politely excuse yourself from the table. If, for some reason, you cannot leave the table, apologize to the other guests before and after.

Self-awareness and grooming your personal image.

While appearance is not everything, the reality of this world in which we live is that often appearance plays an important role in first impressions and how people perceive you. Right or wrong, appearance discloses a lot about a person, and so it is equally important for you to groom your personal image. First and foremost is personal hygiene and cleanliness; it is perfectly acceptable to show respect for yourself by allowing time for proper hygiene: bathing, clean hair and face, brushing teeth, washing hands, and wearing clean, unstained clothes. You should buy clothes that compliment your body type and complexion and shoes that are both nice and comfortable. Make sure that you dress appropriately for the occasion: for example, do not wear shorts when it is snowing outside, go to a business meeting wearing jeans and flip-flops, or do your gardening in your church clothes. When you take care of yourself, you will find that you are comfortable in your own skin and have renewed confidence.

Though one aspect of your personal image is your clothing choices, it is more than just wearing the right clothes for the right occasion. You need to be aware of how you present yourself in private, public, informal, and formal settings. It is also realizing what your appearance—cleanliness, neatness, clothing choices, and deportment—says about you. How is your posture? What does your facial expression convey to others? Can your tone of voice be misunderstood or taken the wrong way?

 

Using polite phrases and respectful language, apologizing and accepting apologies, extending common courtesies to others, table manners, and self-awareness and grooming your personal image are all important components to basic manners. Though we covered these basics rather quickly, remember that we were laying the foundation that we will be building on in future articles.